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How I Walked Into My Authentic Power

I quit my corporate non-profit job at age 53 because I was living someone else’s life.

I was a successful financial professional. I had worked my way up the corporate ladder for the last 24 years. I had a stable job, a six-figure salary, fabulous benefits and worked for a great non-profit that lived its amazing mission. It would seem insane to walk away.

But I did. On June 3, 2021, I walked away.

There was something inside of me that felt restless and unsettled. As much as I surrounded myself with material things, got involved in prestigious projects, garnered more accolades, there was something missing. I felt empty. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I felt like I was living my life for everyone but me.

I was adopted as a baby. It is hard to have this clarity as a child, especially growing up in the circumstances that I did, but I can now see that my adopted mother wanted me to have the life that she was denied.

That was just it. It was her life.

I grew up believing that in order to win her love:

I had to be who she wanted me to be.

I had to be powerful and successful.

I had to marry someone powerful and successful.

I had to live in a large house in an affluent neighborhood and give her grandchildren.

I had to have all the things.

I had to have prestige and fame.

As a child, I was subjected to emotional and psychological neglect and abuse. My mother was mentally ill and struggled. I was raped at age 13 and again when I was 15. What little self-worth I had was completely ripped away. I felt lost, invisible, worthless. I was sure I would be dead by the time I was 25.

Instead of sitting in a place of compassion, my mother pushed me to go to college. Imagine her disappointment when I dropped out. Imagine her disapproval when I became engaged to a Chef instead of a lawyer or a doctor. Imagine the distain she had when I made poor money choices or just poor decisions in general. She took it personally when I was told that I could not have children. As if I had done it on purpose to spite her.

I had found a letter that she had written to her psychologist. She wrote that I was “a loser” and that she’d “always have to carry me”. Those words stuck with me for years.

I eventually finished my bachelor’s degree in Business with a Concentration in Accounting while working full time. I went on to get my Master’s in Business Administration in the same manner, graduating Summa Cum Laude and with honors both times. In the shock of my life, I became pregnant with my miracle child while enrolled in my master’s program.

I then I got involved in way to may things, becoming everything to everyone. I gave and gave of myself until there was nothing left for me. I was completely driven to earn the love I so desperately wanted. To be seen as a “good mom”, “top performing employee”, “perfect wife”, “devoted daughter”. I sought validation by external sources.

When the Covid-19 pandemic hit in 2020, it ripped away everything that defined my value and my worth. I had already done a lot of work to release the pain and trauma starting in 2012, but 2020 really accelerated that.

I sat with my shadows and listened to them rage. I cried and I wailed. I was terrified that I would be consumed by it. Every time I backed away from the difficult work, thinking that I could just ignore it, it would express itself in an even louder and unhealthy way. I continued to revisit it. As I did it became less and less scary. Eventually I could hear the pain under the anger. I could see how it was masking the emptiness and despair of my wounded inner child. I met her with compassion. I met her with love. I hugged her and reassured her in a way that I had never experienced as a child. I began to bring her into the light, to integrate her back into the core of my being.

When my adopted mother passed in September of 2020 at age 93. I was able to sit by her bedside and help her transition in such a space of love and compassion. I had so many mixed emotions, grief, sadness, fear, anger, and oddly, liberation. I no longer felt the weight of her expectations.

I was able to slowly discover my passion and purpose because of all of the inner work I was doing. I now know that I am whole and creative.

Coaching and Energy work called me. I love what I do with every ounce of my being! I am proud to say that I am a Radiant Coach’s Academy Certified Holistic Life Coach. The journey has been amazing and very healing.

I call what I do Catalyst Coaching. I am merely the agent that helps you provoke and speed the changes you want to make. You, too, are whole and creative. There is a way out of the confusion, pain and overwhelm. I have walked in the darkness and walked through the pain. I can sit with you through your journey.

I am passionate about helping others challenge their limiting beliefs and walk with their shadows. I invite you to venture into your authentic power!

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